I am fresh off the boat.
Off the boat of self doubt and fear.
Off the boat that says I am not enough.
Fear has a scent. A repulsive one that chases dreams away. It is like a vinyl record, and it spins on procrastination. It thrives on not today, maybe tomorrow, then it’s next week, next month, next year and soon enough, never peaks its ugly head and you realize that your excuses after much repetition have done a number on your psyche, and you are left with a trail of brokenness, and unfulfilled goals & dreams.
Fear is a numbing agent that freezes all movement directed at living out your purpose.
Fear is a blood sucking monster that forces you into hiding.
Fear is a hell of a thing.
I decided the other day that I will no longer carry the crippling weight of fear. It was at first just a thought, a floating bubble in my head space that didn’t have much of a presence, and thus did not demand my attention. But through the course of the week, it nagged, and became very difficult to ignore. Yet, I busied myself by doing everything but tackle the goliath in the room. Then I remembered these words, for God did not give us a spirit of timidity, cowardice or fear, but He has given us a spirit of power and of love and of sound judgement and personal discipline (abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control)|1 Timothy 1:7, AMP|.
There I was in the middle of the ocean on an unsteady boat rocking side to side as if in rhythm to the crashing waves, unsure of myself, questioning the soundness of my mind and paralyzed in fear. Then I see Jesus far out in the distance, standing on water, with His hand stretched out to me. I see His smile, and it calls out to me, like the soothing warmth of a wood burning fireplace in the dead of winter. I hear Him whisper my name, and my heart is still. In His presence, all my fears bow down. I am steady, anchored in Him. In that assured space, I step out of the boat, one foot after the other until my hand sits in His. And right then, I am at peace, overwhelmed by Him. In that moment, nothing else mattered outside of Him.
Then I make a mistake. I look to my left and then my right, and realize I am standing on water. Immediately, my heart seizes with fear, and the doubting voices creep in. They come with full force, and its a Mardi Gras Bourbon street style party in my head. Poof, and all serenity gone. I am sinking, and fear with it’s wide open sharp clawed mouth, is ready to swallow me whole. I think yup its all over, but then my instincts kick in and I scream for help, and He reaches out and grabs me. As He pulls me up, I see sadness in His eyes. He knows I am much more than what I see, and more than anything, He wants me to see me through His eyes. So He says what little faith you have, why would you let doubt win? |Mat 14:31, TPT|
He pulls me out to safety, and now we are back on the boat. It’s the same boat but not really, because I came back with a new perspective. Why did you let doubt win? I brooded over this question for a long minute, peeling at its layers, still shaken by the fact that I almost ended up in the belly of the ocean. And then I hear Him say, perfect love casts out all fear|1 John 4:18, AMP|. Ding. Ding. Ding! I cannot serve God with fear, and I cannot believe or trust His words with doubt seated majestically at the throne of my heart. If He loves me, then He’s got me. He will equip me with everything that I need to live out His perfect will for my life. I can trust that I’ll always hear His voice behind me saying this is the way; walk in it |Isaiah 30:21, NIV|.
Have you had a desire to do something for a long time, but then fear? You need to double back to His word, and trust that He will work in and through you. Remove the focus from you and your idols, and keep Him at the forefront of your mind. Remember, your faith is in Him…His power, not in you and your abilities. You are sufficient in Him.
They say practice makes perfect.
Get to know His spirit.
Work His word.
Take that first step.
His outstretched hand is waiting and ready to lead, guide and guard you through this beautiful thing called life.