Sometimes I feel like I am living a lie, like I somehow deceived myself into thinking that “I am good, and loved.” On some days I wake up so sure of who I am, but by night fall I’m feeling like a sham; a counterfeit christian. A fraud.
Very quickly, it turns into a solo game of rapid-fire questions. Am I doing enough of what reveals God? Am I walking like Jesus walked? Am I compassionate enough? Loving enough? Patient enough? Kind enough? Giving enough? Caring enough? Am I always yielded to Him, or only when convenient? Am I aligned with His will? Am I graceful or judgemental? Are my words life giving? Is my atmosphere one of peace? Am I one to walk away from gossip, or speak against injustice? Am I a faithful steward? Sheeesh am I slow to speak, slow to anger and quick to forgive? My answers aren’t always yes, and when it isn’t, I question if I am indeed saved. Jesus walked his talk, and everything He did was extraordinary, and for one who feels pretty ordinary, I think Oh my God what am I even doing?
The thought of being anything other than real is dreadful to me. I do not want to be a clanging cymbal, or an empty vessel. I most definitely do not want to be a whitewashed tomb; beautiful on the outside, yet full of dead bones. Presenting as righteous, but on the inside full of hypocrisy and wickedness |Matthew 23:27-28|. I really do think about how God sees me. I care about what He sees when He looks at me, maybe to the point of obsessing over it. That’s when I cross the line, and move from being in a place of surrender to self-righteousness, from following, to leading, and entirely from relationship to an egocentric zone. The devil is a trickstar, and is always looking for ways to twist what is right, or bend the truth to suit his plans. The bedrock of his seduction is to make it about you. However, the word says, this righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe |Rom. 3:22|. What does this tell me? I did not save myself. I can’t even if I tried. It is not about me. I am a spirit, I have a soul which houses my emotions/feelings, and I live in a body. My spirit is saved (made right with God), but my flesh isn’t. This is why it is important to stay in the word, and commune with God. The flesh is sensory, and wants what it wants. It wants to be the driver. It wants to glorify itself. The flesh will make you question the truth because by feeding your spirit, it is subdued. So it’ll fight.
If ever you are tempted to question your salvation, and if you really are a child of God, remember this, if anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us |1 john 4:15|. Also, Jesus was the word made flesh, which means he had an earthly body, like you and I. For this reason I believe He, to some degree had fleshly desires. However, what distinguished Him was His heart for God. A truly surrendered heart, with a desire to please his Father. Not for the sake of accolades, but solely for fulfilling purpose. Furthermore, Jesus’ ministry did not really start until after the Holy Spirit descended on Him in Luke 3:22. Therefore, it is in fact true that in my own strength, I am inadequate. So it’s worth taking a cue from Jesus, and living by His spirit.
Our works are great, but where there is no faith, it is impossible to please God. I am finding that these rapid-fire questions are good. They are to me what a check engine light is to a car. They serve as a soft reminder, but also a hard warning to be mindful of who I place my faith in. It should always be in Jesus (not in myself), because He is the author and finisher (perfecter) of my faith. Also, it is only by His spirit that I can be all those things previously listed, and consistently so. But on the days I am not (and fall short of His glory), instead of beating myself up about it, I turn to Him, for He is where my help comes from. So you see, it really all does start and end with Him.
Imposter syndrome? The devil is a liar!! 🙂
Listening to this song as I write. Enjoy!